I haven't been able to write, well, not here anyway - and I just needed to step back from everywhere. I've been up to a lot. If you follow me on other media (or are a "real life" friend) you know that I've gotten a devotional tattoo, traveled across the country, been teaching classes, had a lot of family/health/career/education stuff, and have been busy with home and coven life in general.
All of this has led me, in a round about way, to thinking of the Venificium. (Poisons for those not in the know.) We all have a basic idea that some things just aren't safe.
But what about things that are poisonous only to me?
My nephew can't eat peanuts. So, I suppose, that would be an item on his venificium.
What about things that we just think are poisonous?
How many Southern grandmothers does it take to convince an entire generation that Virginia Creeper is Poison Ivy? Sure, the berries will kill you - but that rash you're thinking of? That's a different monster.
What about those immaterial things ?
We're really good at knowing that we shouldn't eat poke berries, but do we stay away from the intangible poisons in our lives?
A lot of things are poison to me.
I've always been really shy about saying that I suffer from depression, why? I don't really know. I think on some level that I find it shameful. That it makes me less strong. I only just after ten plus years uttered that phrase out loud to my best friend/husband. Sure - he knew it about me - but it wasn't something I ever said. It's only been a few years since I lived in a situation where I was abused daily.
And it's hard to get away from.
It colors everything in your life.
Phrases I heard every day for half of my life float through my head on a constant loop like
"That didn't happen"
"You need to learn longsuffering..."
"You're getting a little too big for your britches"
"You're a whore"
"That's not how a lady acts"
"You're supposed to be meek."
"Women should be seen and not heard"
"What are you crying about? I can give you something to cry about."
"You need to have forgiveness"
"You're a liar"
"Don't speak unless spoken to."
"Nobody will marry you if they know that"
"I didn't want you - no one will want you"
"Why can't you be more like your sister? "
"Nobody will ever want to kiss you"
"You're skin and bones"
"No one will ever believe you"
"A good Christian would..."
Its a snake bite that I can't heal, fangs in my flesh always, pumping me full of their venom.
Sometimes I think I do need to forgive. Honor my parents and all that jazz. Maybe it'll make me a
But I can't.
Fuck that, and Fuck them.
I woke up last night on the verge of screaming, tears rolling down my cheeks. My terrified husband looking pityingly at me in the dark as he shook me awake. (Don't say I'm sorry. Don't say I'm sorry. Don't say I'm sorry...) Those moments make me feel like I haven't healed at all.
I know it isn't true, but it doesn't stop the creeping feeling inside. A shadow falling across me from the past, bubbling black ichor filling my throat.
But here's the question.
Why can't I stop answering the damn phone when they call? Or... block the number? Stop trying to be pleasant when I see them? Stop trying to understand? Stop saying 'yes sir' and helping out when I'm asked? Stop trying to make a relationship with people incapable of love?
I know that it's poison.
So, I leave you with this. I'm going to keep on finishing things. Making things better. Improving the world around me. Getting stronger.
I'm going to sit down today and I'm going to write that venificium. I'm going to list out in detail all those evil, vile little poisons that I just keep eating ; and I'm going to stop.
I hope to be back soon people. Really. Until then, hugs from wherever I am.