I try too goddamn hard.
And boy is it exhausting sometimes.
I guess the question I find myself asking, is there such a thing as caring too much?
I've always been a hypervigilent type A sort of person (it's kind of a hold over from that childhood stuff I was talking about) - but I always feel like I have to hide the true nature of my type A-ness under a sort of mothering charm. I've never really figured out why I'm a little ashamed of being a take charge leader type, but I kindof am. And yet I sit around imagining what it must be like to be totally A-OK with serving a frozen lasagna to guests once in a while because you just don't feel like whipping up a gourmet dinner for game night. And why is it when I'm around other Type A people, that I feel that I have to demure and let them take the lead in situations? I'm not a timid person. At all.
But I feel I have to let people think that I am.
But can I have it both ways?
Can I step up to the plate and own my true nature, while still learning that I don't have to care quite so much... that it's okay to let things take their own course once in a while?
I turned 34 years old this week and it's weird. I never know how to feel about these kinds of milestones. They were never treated as important when I was young and now... it's just a little foreign. I feel so blown away when anyone takes the time to care about such an insignificant thing that it cracks my facade a little. All that to say, I guess, is that I feel so strangely trying to work through all this self revelatory type stuff at my age. Shouldn't I know what the hell I'm doing?
As I transition into the role of a group leader (slowly... but surely) I think a lot about what I want to pass on to those who look to me for guidance, and increasingly I've discovered that it's things I'm not really good at doing myself. Saying you're sorry. Being a part of the process. letting go.
But I'm getting better at it. In a couple of weeks we'll be having our first "pagan" ritual here at the house with my lovely and growing group of gals (menfolk, where are you?) and I've been planning what that ritual will look like. Every single one of us who will be present that night have things to work on, myself included. It's not going to be easy for us and the ritual I'm writing is reflecting that. Hopefully they don't all go scattering into the night when I pull out some Appalachian folk magic centered around working through personal demons for the evenings work.
I've no false illusions that we'll all walk away changed and whole - but I'm hoping that if we can't banish the demons, we at least make them a little friendlier. We're in this together, and we've got to grow together. Those ladies are putting their faith in me, and I've got to do them right.
I'm not perfect. I don't claim to be. I don't even begin to hope that I know everything, or can teach them everything, or that I won't sometimes be just plain wrong -
but I sure promise to try.
I promise that I'm going to let go of a little stubbornness (A little. Lets don't get carried away.) and be a part of growing alongside you and be willing to admit when I'm wrong, or when I messed up. We're all people, and we're in this together.
Just give me a pass if you show up and I serve you a frozen dinner once in a while, I promise to make up for it in wine and good conversation.