I put this blog down for a while. I don't think I need to tell you that. I started to wonder what I was doing, and who I was doing it for. I lost sight of what was important. A few people (who shall remain nameless) might've said I was doing this only to be like someone else I know. Some asked who I was trying to impress. Yet another said it was pointless.
But I've realized something - I don't give a good god damn what anybody thinks or says or does other than myself and those dearest to me. I'm not worried about whether certain people think I'm making a voice heard in a space that "belongs" to someone else. I'm writing here because it makes me happy. It's a place where words can pour out of my head and into the world. Whether or not people enjoy it or think I should be doing it - or even read it for that matter - isn't what matters to me.
I lost touch. I lost sight of what was important.
I've been thinking a lot lately about pagan space, elders, and friends. Being in a BTW tradition means you have this wonderful network of family that you've chosen for yourself (in my estimation, the best kind of family) sisters and brothers in the craft who are there to learn with you, oftentimes to guide you, and to be a system of love and support. In a lot of ways, compared to the rest of my Craft family, I'm a pagan baby. I've not been a part of the BTW tradition very long at all in the grand scheme of things - and truly - my decades long journey with the Gods doesn't mean anything in the context of that tradition. I may as well have known nothing when I came into the family. It's almost like being a freshman when everyone else is a senior - they all know what they are doing, what the rules are, what time class starts, who the teachers are and their likes and dislikes, and here you are - a new guy - doing and saying all the wrong things.
I take a familial approach to everything.
No matter what I say or do, or how I present myself, I'm a country girl at heart. I'm at home in my garden, amongst my trees, playing in the dirt. I don't care about politics, and sometimes that means that I don't express myself well. I say words to people I love, unfiltered, and unchecked. I don't want to have to hold back and mince statements out of fear of offense of protocol. I just want the things that are important to me to bubble over when I'm sharing with someone I trust and love. I don't hold back. I don't filter because I trust them and adore them and know that they understand my intent even when I've made a misstep.
I have a heart full of that "perfect love and perfect trust" that we're always talking about, I expect people to have faith in me, and to give me the benefit of the doubt. (Because, after all, aren't they supposed to be full of that love and trust also?)
I guess this brings me to my point.
Lately, I'm feeling a little alienated by people that I dearly - desperately - admire and wish to call friend.
I'm trying so hard to reach out, and share, and let my cup bubble over with excitement and passion for the Craft and my lifes experiences - but feel met with rejection, with reprimand, with, well... apathy.
I've made a million excuses in my head that are all perfectly reasonable.
They're all so busy.
They're just watching out for me.
They're just not social.
They're... well shit. At what point am I just making excuses for someone who isn't trying as hard as I am?
I get it. They want to see me grow in the Craft. And yes - I've certainly taken everything to heart. But I need all that other stuff. I need sisters and brothers, friends, confidantes, people who want to share in my experiences and who can put aside politics and just get excited with me about something.
Because, if we can't be family, what are we doing this for?
Ye may not be a witch alone... but here I am. Feeling awfully solitary in my garden.